On Accountability

One of the hardest parts of my relationship with Sammie was their inability to take accountability for any of their actions. Be it the dismissal of my feelings in every conversation, the repeated lying, or the abusive actions that “weren’t them, it was their mental health”… I have come to accept that I never received an apology for any of it, and I simply never will. The closest I came to a real apology was their proclamation that "they're a terrible person, who can't do anything".

It’s a difficult pill to swallow, but one that I’ve needed to in order to be able to move forward, to take on my own personal accountability detached from everyone else. Despite all my best efforts, I haven’t done a good job of managing my own emotional reactivity. I recognise that a lot of my behaviours are a trauma response. I am prone to fawning, and historically I am terrified of conflict.

Through counselling, I have attempted to be less of a people pleaser. Doing so has not been without it's fair share of problems. Looking back I had not equipped myself with the tools and understanding on how to manage the conflicts that came about as a result, and I inevitably hurt others through my failing to manage my own negative communication patterns better. 

It’s a major part of my own aims for growth, self-understanding, and self-acceptance. It is not an easy journey, but my hope is that by understanding my own internal narratives, and processing them directly - I will not simply exist alongside my emotions, burdened by their existence. I want incorporate what they are trying to say, and what they’re trying to protect me from into my own sense of self. I am responsible for my emotions, and how they are projected out into the world.

I don’t update this blog that often, but it’s not because I’m not writing. Each writing involves processing the past, acknowledging how I feel as I write, and attempting to explore that. The more exploring I need to do, the slower I’ll be to publish, and that’s okay. Some things are difficult, and some things take time.

Thank you for reading and following along.